During a girls shopping trip that only comes once in a while these days, my friend confided in me her thoughts about motherhood. She has two children under the age of four. She said, “I didn’t know how hard it was going to be, why didn’t anyone tell me it wouldn’t be like the Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo commercial?”
I knew exactly what she was talking about. In the commercial a dad is giving his two kids a bath and it looks like this awesome, fulfilling parenting moment happening in an everyday activity. My friend told me about how before she became a parent she thought it would be all baby coos, cuddles and playing based on the advertising for baby products, book covers promising to make parenting easy, and happy Facebook posts by her friends. What she experienced instead was a colicky baby who didn’t sleep at night and had acid reflux.
Many women come to counseling because they are having trouble adjusting to the realities of motherhood. Often, expectations do not meet reality and it may take some work to deal with those thoughts and feelings that are causing distress for the mother.
Here are some examples:
- Women who always imagined they wanted to be a stay at home mom and now that they are feel exhausted and unfulfilled.
- Women who develop a mental health issue like anxiety or depression in pregnancy or postpartum.
- Coping with the grief of infertility, miscarriage or infant loss.
- Struggling with parenting in general or how to cope with a child’s special needs.
If you find yourself in one of these scenarios here are some ideas that can help:
- Talk to a trusted friend about how you are feeling (especially if it is a fellow mom). Chances are you will find out that other women are going through similar struggles. Sharing these thoughts and feelings with someone else who is a good listener can contribute to not feeling as isolated and “normalize” what you are going through.
- Remind yourself that it is ok to ask for help. If you are really struggling, especially if you are feeling depressed or anxious, please talk to your family doctor, seek out therapy, or find some other trusted professional who you think can help.
- Find a healthy way to get your feelings out — whether it is through writing, some kind of art form, exercise or music. Expressing how you are feeling allows you to let go of some of the hurt and move past it rather than holding on to it, which leads to depression and/or anger in many people.
Motherhood or the process of starting a family is a major life transition so it stands to reason that women would have difficulty adjusting. If you set realistic expectations it may help you navigate this life change more easily.
Alison is a licensed professional counselor and the owner of Move Forward Counseling in Salunga, PA. Her therapy is cooking.